There is a woman at work named Blamy. Ok, her name isn’t Blamy, but its pretty close. And she has really nice arms and is sort of a know-it-all. There is some subtle thing about her that rubs me the wrong way. I think its a few things: 1) scratchy voice but not in the good way 2) aforementioned know-it-all-ness and accompanying way of seeming like she has everything figured out and you/I don’t have anything figured out. (please ignore how it is true that i don’t have anything figured out). 3)a whole bevy of other things that i can’t articulate exactly but that make her simultaneously unpleasant and mildly intimidating.
Anyway, today I had a meeting with my boss (who is at least another blog post in and of herself) and my boss disclosed some mildly juicy tidbits about her personal history with Blamy. She disclosed things about their very close friendship over the last decade, and the challenges of hiring a good friend and then being her boss, about how they had babies at the same time and raised their babies together for many years, and how their families were friends etc etc etc, AND she also mentioned that this friendship and/or Blamy is very different recently and that Blamy used to “look different” and “dress different” and “act different”. So, this afternoon, while procrastinating (not procrasterbating, which is also another blog post), I randomly googled Blamy because I was trying to kill time and vaguely curious about how Blamy used to look/dress/act – a “Before” Blamy if you will. I mean, “After” Blamy is cute and fit and stylish and I was secretly hoping that “Before” Blamy would be revealed to be a man/weigh 400lbs/have a mustache or a unibrow/have flabby arms, etc/??. And it turns out that Blamy was never a man. And it also turns out that even “Before” Blamy was also totally cute and there was no trace of obesity and/or facial hair and/or flabby arms. (harumph). BUT, what was unexpected was: the first thing that popped up when I googled Blamy was A MUGSHOT. For theft. With an alias. From September. So, as recently as September, our perfect, toned-arm, Blamy tried to steal something costing less than $100 and got arrested for it at 8:37pm and now her adorable Blamy face is plastered all over the interweb for all to see even WITH her alias. Hooo-ahh, Blamy! SO. Blamy is a Winona. Winona is a Blamy. I get it. And hence: Schadenfreude. But the good news is that I like Blamy more now because she is no longer intimidating or perfect. And mostly, I just want to know what it was she tried to burgle. Because I would like to get her one for her birthday next week.
04/29/2013 Leave a comment
i don’t care any more what anyone ever says about astrology. this is my horoscope for tomorrow (and every day forever) and it is TRUTH. its like the stars met me. and know me. and know everything about me. its like the stars are totally following me around. its like i am the star of the stars’ awesome sort of boring reality tv show. its like i’m the stars and then the me here on earth is one of the Real Housewives of Orange County. i mean, its just fuckin’ eery.
| This influence can indicate a period of fleeting depression. Today during the day you are inclined to feel lonely and out of touch with others. Sometimes you have a pronounced sense that no one loves you, whether or not it is true. It is very important to realize that
your moods and sensations under this influence often do not reflect reality, even though they seem to. One area where you can have real trouble is in relationships. You will find it unusually difficult to relate emotionally to another person during this time. Either you are caught up in internal negativism, or you feel so cold and insensitive that you do not register signals from other people very well. This in turn leads to failures of communication and genuine misunderstandings. Obviously this is not a good time to become involved in an emotionally delicate situation.
stars, you are my soul mate. perhaps we should embark on an emotionally delicate situation together…?
04/24/2013 Leave a comment
the weather: its the time of year where summer is teasing us with perfect days, a perfect week, and then taking it all back with a week like this one, chilly, rainy….a reminder to curl up and read, to sleep, to make warm soups before the summer comes and we have no choice but to haunt the yard, the stoop, the porch, the park, the beach, outdoor coffee shops, outdoor decks at breweries, sunlight until 11pm, there is no couchtime in PDX summer life…i love the rain right now. and i love the sun too because they are both just battling for our attention every day…don’t you think?
my dogs: no good deed goes unpunished. but love is love. and love is pain, princess.
hilarity: in my head, i am still really funny. no one is listening anymore though. and i can’t tell inappropriate jokes to anyone anymore so that really cuts off my schtick at the knees. and the great majority of my friends and people are really lovely. but not funny. vanilla. vanilla is nice but its not what lives inside me. my flavor is at least acid-soaked and has a ribbon of bitterness and also probably poprocks and starburst mushrooms and piecrust and carbonation and and little bits of crushed pepples that taste like silent rage all wrapped in some version of spicy salty chocolate to be snorted up ones nosehole. also, my original lifelong theories about embarking on deeper relationships with people you really care about – TOTALLY true. bad decision. note to self: if and when i ever like anyone ever in the future – never ever ever ever get close to them. meet occasionally, enjoy hilarity and move on. if i have learned anything in the last year its that no one is to be trusted, and relationships don’t get deeper, they just get more fucked up. i totally knew this by the time i was 5, by the way. first instincts, etc etc. there is this girl named elizabeth who i have a total friend crush on and this is the strategy i am employing with her. get in, har har har, get out. keeping it surface is like totally working for me.
In short: someone give me everything I want all the time without me having to ask for it or try! Waaaah. NOW.
04/10/2013 Leave a comment
hey muddy river
more home than home
more thick and deep and
you been on my mind
you been with me at night
we know what we saw and
have no clue how to feel and
its all a big fat lie anyway.
03/22/2013 Leave a comment
its one 16 hour day watching new mexico then oklahoma then arkansas roll across the rear view mirror. its the 20 years i’ve been making that drive, alone with my radio, alone with a 15 foot python, and sometimes, like now, with men i love, with men who make me feel small and like nothing, with men who ultimately can’t be blamed because i fake it so well because i make it ok i make it the expectation for them to matter more than i matter. and we stop at a truck stop. and share an audiobook about russian espionage. and he sleeps in the passenger seat as we cross the border and sweep down empty morning highways. and i buy him cold medicine and do as much of the driving that first day as i can because i am reminding him that his needs are more important than mine. because i have been practicing that since the day he was born. because it takes a lifetime of subtle reinforcement by those most beloved to me to become the less important one. and because i am that. and because that has been the way and the expectation and the standard for them loving me. because i could never be good in the ways he is good and so i just have to give and keep giving and if i ever stopped giving i wouldn’t matter at all. and i understand that somewhere in arkansas when the scenery is changing from brush to forest when the color is changing from blue yellow to pink green. and its been a million times i have had this same realization but number one million and one is as painful as the rest so i just put my finger to its lips and quiet its chatter, blink it back, call it foolish, make it cringe and shame and crawl back into the darkness so i can smile and so i can listen and care and love and matter and so i do not crush under the weight of clearly seeing my own inadequacy and wasted potential and absolute insignificance.
its day two waking up in memphis tennessee. its 5am and a sunrise through a typical tennessee morning haze. soft grasses and rolling hills and the skeletons of leafless trees splattered with little green dots teasing springtime. when i came here last to see you, when The Very Bad Thing had happened and you were a child and alone here and i came to see you to understand to sit next to you and not know what to say but know that i would give anything i had to make it stop hurting for you. you didn’t know how to hurt as well as i did. i had it mastered by then. but you had read more books and could always say things in a way that made people care. and i hadn’t read as many books and i kind of knew no one would care no matter how i said things. and it goes that way still. and even when i think i’m wrong, i dip a toe into a world where you are and i turn into smoke, looked through, brushed by, a hassling fog between them and you. through tennesee through virginia through the morning through the afternoon into the night. 15 hours, 16 hours, bad clutch, expensive gas, rush hour in roanoke, a slow motion drop, the 81, the 66. and i, always trying to look forward, hope that it will matter when we arrive. on the bar stools with the others that they will see me that they will at least pretend. but i am wrong and i shouldn’t have hoped. all the eyes looking past me through me all the nodding and smiling and inquiring and engaging around me like i am an obstacle to the path of their directed investment. and i realize why it was easier to let you be more important why i have always made you matter more…because you just do somehow. because it is a losing battle. because it has been a lifetime of a losing battle to ask anyone to care about me as they care about you. to choose me. to make me matter more. not even my best friend. not. even. my. best. friend. and if its that simple and when its that clear, i reconsider why i bother getting up, trying trying trying trying trying trying. and i wish i didn’t. and i wish i just didn’t.
03/21/2013 Leave a comment
Why don’t you answer the phone? Oh why don’t you answer the phone? I have some very important things to tell and or ask you, Carol. Please Carol answer the phone.
Your voicemail message is squeaky. It makes me doubt your legitimacy. But I’ll overlook it. I’ll pretend I don’t notice. If only you’d answer the phone.
02/27/2013 Leave a comment
well we made a huge fucking mess that needs to now be cleaned up and if i gave even one iota less of a fuck i would wash my hands of the whole fucking thing but instead i am just swinging the broom hour after excruciating hour trying to fix it. on the bright side: amazing practice at open honest communication which is hard because my whole life has been based on the assumption that no amount of voicing my feelings will get my needs met making it a futile and humiliating effort at best. its so foreign when it works out a different way. anyway. yeah. that.
i am exhausted. too much need and too few resources. too much good intention and not enough to show for it. progress is small and looks different for everyone and the level of energy it takes to maintain momentum is unsustainable.
then everyone pours their buckets into my bucket. and i haul it around, stupidly grateful that i am able, smiling like a fucking idiot. victory does not exist.
02/22/2013 Leave a comment
I have been away a long time. And much has transpired. But I have returned…
…and still I remain, yours in disgruntlement.
Topics coming soon:
Technology, Upheaval, Wankers, Oppression, Kale Chips, Middle Management, Bunion anxiety, The allure of laziness, and jerks.
That’s all I can think of right now.
Mostly I am distracted with 1)joy that I’m back! and 2)deep mourning about the loss of my best friend. I mean, she didn’t die. She’s just mad about something that I can’t explain is mostly not my fault. Anyway, I am not a fight-with-my-friends kinda gal and its tearing me up. Hence. DISGRUNTLEMENT.
ps. 2013 is about to get SO Real Housewives of Portland. you lucky bastards.
02/20/2013 Leave a comment
but i love the land of port. i love its rain and its chill and its little purple house where i live and my friends and spending the weekend at the coast and its little adorable summer and its plethora of boozes and foods and cheeses and smiles and people who i don’t want to stab in and around the face. i love my buddies, i love my dog, i love my meeb&chain, i love my massage therapist, i love my rose garden when i take my dog to poop. there i things that i don’t love, but i don’t need to think or talk about those things b/c they are minimal compared to the things i do love.
unfortunately i am in san francisco where i love nothing. but i am leaving tonight. and good riddance. i come back and realize that there is no way i could have thrived here. square peg round hole. bad fit. impossible bad fit. choke on a big fat herpes dick san fran. i will be lovingly fellating pdx with a smile. and a hum. and a wink. and eye contact. and pie.
12/14/2011 Leave a comment